What does it take to let go and let God?
I’ve often tried to control the situations and outcomes in my life.
I thought if I could just be ahead of the game, hyper-aware, overly eager, clever, and in charge – maybe I could protect myself from pain and suffering.
I wouldn’t have to deal with trying to trust others, let alone Higher Power, and I would not have to deal with disappointment again. I thought I was the smartest most conscious person… And thus I experienced a lot of frustration, loneliness, yearning, and exhaustion…
But each time I finally let go and surrendered – that’s when the unbelievably perfect and magical orchestrations I could have never created myself would always show up…
Like when I was 20 years old and quit working as a server at a fine dining restaurant, without a plan or a new way to make income. My boss took me to her office and said she would fire me if I didn’t sell more alcohol and desserts. I wanted to defend myself, or push to become who they wanted me to be…
But it struck me that night when I went home – I didn’t care about selling alcohol and desserts! I couldn’t bring myself to join the restaurant’s mission of more sales. I went in the next day and expressed that I was quitting. My boss said, “You’ll never get far in life with an attitude like that.”
Well, what showed up next was my first childcare job – an “opportunity to play in creeks and catch caterpillars” with two brothers ages 4 and 8. Which turned out to be the beginning of my life’s work and an 18-year intensive study of the human child, relationships, and human healing.
I was beyond thrilled to simply spend time with children and just be myself.
Attempts to control followed by surrender followed by magic is apparently a major theme in my life…
Like when I concocted a whole protocol to follow when I found a potential future husband. We would be friends for 6 months and take it very methodically and carefully. I had a list of what I was looking for and I was actively searching to find this person… Whatever I could possibly make up in my mind – I would attach myself to those ideas. I spent over a year trying to make my vision come true. I was in control, or so I thought…
I finally broke down one night when it hit me that none of the men I knew were going to turn out to be my husband. I didn’t know the man of my dreams, and had no idea when I would ever meet him. I cried with some friends just feeling the pain of not having a family.
One week later *after the surrender moment, of course* my husband Gaetano showed up – as my next-door neighbor (the “Guy” next door). And a highly unusual level of serendipitous events/facts/situations revolved around us as we decided to get engaged 10 weeks later… It was a crazy fairytale arrangement – NOTHING like I had planned for…
That morning we decided to be engaged (which happened through a conversation, not a proposal), we were simply in pain to not have the commitment. The idea of not getting married just hurt too much. We had certainly found “the one” in each other…
So, I suggested we each go find a gift to exchange with each other, like a token of our intention to get married. We searched through our random stuff, me at my house, Gaetano at his… And when we came back together, we literally had the exact same item to exchange with each other.
We each happened to have a tiny little latino man-and-woman pin… We just looked at each other like, “Really? Is this how it’s going to be – magical and weird and perfect and right?”
(I need to tell you that whole story one day…)
God has a way of always being there when I’m ready to open up and go deeper…
Like when I decided to NOT go for the master’s degree even though I applied and got accepted to the FSU Masters of Social Work program and was ready to begin in a couple of months…
But the day my final class in my bachelor’s program ended I felt anxiety all day and I didn’t know why. When our children went to sleep, it hit me deep in the gut (I felt nauseous, panicked, sad, scared, and regret) that the past 2.5 years of pursuing that degree was simply a way to avoid my personal growth as a mother. It was an expression of my fear and faithlessness. Going to school when we had a 1 and 3 year old at home was such a drain on our our family.
I’ve come to terms with my choice now, but that night laying on the couch, with Gaetano by my side, I just FELT the fear I was trying to control from coming to the surface.
I realized I wasn’t willing to simply be happy as a mom (despite my 11 years of working with children and despite my deep love for relationships with children – for my children especially! – and my skills, and my knowledge).
If you’re a mom reading this, you know what I’m talking about. How motherhood just brings out another side of you, how the sweet loving side has a hard time securely manifesting with the intensity of raising kids! And with an infant and a toddler – I had the hardest year of my life. So I decided to get out of the home and start a career through the back-to-school route. And going into debt.
I have compassion for myself and my choices. At the same time, I lost some precious time. And I grieved my losses that night between the 2 degrees. And I faced this question:
Will God really give me the life I want? Will He really allow my deepest desires to be manifested?
This moment was a turning point for me. I EXPERIENCED my deep fears – through trembling, sweating, and crying. Giving the fear a voice. Gaetano was by my side, like he always is in my big breakthrough moments.
I decided to quit the career plan and return home. As mother, wife, homeschool educator, and spiritual space-holder to my family.
The following months (and years now) have just been a steady YES feeling in our family. Sweetness, lightness, and PEACE are the culture in my home. UNBELIEVABLY.
Before that we were the typical stressed out parents: running from here to there, competing for time for ourselves, exhausted from having 2 children under 4, relationship dynamics, anger, frustration, powerlessness, numbing our stress through screen and food addictions — just all the normal family life goings-on.
One thing led to another though – and we just kept making the right moves. Saying no to things that disturb us and saying yes to things that support us.
Putting spiritual life firmly in the center. What flows from there is something subtle yet other-worldly.
I’m always on the precipice of my next surrender opportunity…
Magic and wonder are always waiting for us. Despite our attempts to try to make things right or make things better or good or great……..
And while we do have power – it’s quite minute.
That minute power we have is largely over our own consciousness and choices. The rest of life, how things end up, the orchestration of your universe – it’s by and large in the hands of the Divine.
Surrendering to this reality is all the difference between turmoil or peace in our hearts.
What if everything you want as a conscious parent was on the other side of fearful attempts to control your life and your loved ones?
What if you could develop trust and faith that the Divine has got your back, and always has, and always will – even in the inevitable miseries of life on this planet?
What if surrender and playfulness were fully accessible qualities you felt free to choose?
What if the painful emotion you’re suppressing and avoiding is your GIFT towards an authentic fully-expressed life?
What if a re-kindled relationship with the Divine is right at your fingertips, just waiting for your to come home?
Questions I ask myself everyday.
I help parents who find themselves unaligned with their life circumstances or way of being to create the life and relationships they truly want. To get back to their center and honor their authentic truth (and thus feel vibrant and joyful in that fully-expressed existence).
I believe in your vision and your power. And I trust that in a safe sacred space your highest guidance within will appear and guide you. It always works that way. 🙂
If we work together, we’ll meet for a selected number of coaching sessions where we will converse about your intended goal and how you will achieve it. You will receive from me a caring balance of empathy and challenging support to do what you’re here to do!
I’d love to see if we’re meant to work together – so if you’re inspired to do so, please send me a message!